Read Alpha Killian by Jane Doe Chapter 19
The memories of the past finally began to fade away, leaving me stranded in the middle of an ocean.
The first thing I noticed as my consciousness was pulled back to the present was the fact that I was no longer standing. I could feel the hardwood floor under my bottom and legs. The sparks shooting through my face came next. As my eyes began to adjust, I looked into the concerned face of Alpha Killian.
I could see his lips moving, but my ears hadn’t caught up quite yet.
“Claire?” Alpha Killian murmured, “Claire can you hear me?”
I tried to ask why he was so close to me, but the words came out in a disgruntled jumble.
Finally, when my brain was completely caught up, I took in my surroundings. Everything looked the same, minus me sitting on the floor. Then I realized how close alpha Killian actually was. I was sitting on the floor against the bed, his body crouched between my legs as he held my face in his hands.
Another wave crashed over me as I yanked myself from his hands, staggering to my feet, desperate to put some distance between us. While the mate bond, paired with Sierra’s unwavering faith in our mate, muddled my thoughts. The walls were much too small now, pressing on my lungs, depriving me of breath.
“Claire, just breathe!” Sierra pleaded, feeling the onslaught of emotions that battered and bruised me.
“Don’t tell me to f*****g calm down, you knew this would happen.” I screamed at her, my voice d******g out as another wave crashed over my head.
Alpha Killian had his silver eyes glued to me, watching me try to cope with whatever turmoil was going on inside my head. Forcing the conflicting emotions of the mate bond aside, I focused on one emotion I was sure belonged to me and only me.
“I-I was fine until I met you!” I sputtered, my chest rising and falling rapidly as l struggled to breath inbetween the crashing waves.
While Alpha Killian’s gaze hardened, his silver eyes remained concerned. I stumbled backwards, nearly tripping over my own feet as he tried to approach me, his arms out as though he were going to pull me into an embrace.
He’s trying to use the mate bond to calm . us down, my intuition told me. The waves crashed around me, throwing my body in every direction, threatening to rip me apart.
“Claire, we can get you help.” Alpha Killian’s unusually soft voice angered me. I wouldn’t need help if it wasn’t for him. Him and the stupid mate bond. Each of them demolished my emotional dam, leaving me d******g.
“I was fine before I met you. I didn’t need help!” I yelled at him. I wasn’t sure if it was due to my flashback muddling my senses, or the waves of emotion that crashed through my ears, but my voice sounded so far away.
“Claire, this was bound to happen at some point.” Alpha Killian tried to reason with me. You couldn’t reason with the violent ocean I was d******g in. Couldn’t reason with the icy waves that crashed over my head, or the thick water that lodged itself in my lungs, s*****g the oxygen from my body. What made him think he could reason with me? What made him think I could believe anything he said?
Flashes of the past continued to berate my senses, confusing me. Is this what a mental breakdown felt like?
I clutched onto the resentment like it was a boat offering me salvation. I could taste the salty tears running down my face, the realization that I was crying meant nothing to me.
I placed all of my blame, hurt, anger, and fear on Alpha Killian.
My lips spoke the words before my brain even knew what I was doing.
“I, Claire Miller,-“
Horror, the first real emotion I saw on Alpha Killian’s face.
“reject you, Alpha-“
Sparks shot through my mouth as Alpha Killian shot forward, slamming my back against the wall, his hand covering my mouth before I could utter the words that would sever the mate bond that tormented me.
The sparks that radiated through my covered lips fought against the freezing emotions inside of me, warming me, but also clouding my mind.
I stared into his once silver eyes, seeing my broken reflection in his black orbs.
“Don’t Claire.” Alpha Killian’s voice was low, his sweet spearmint breath hitting my nose in short puffs.
My heart clenched at the foreign emotion in his eyes. I wondered if he ever felt that way before, then he could understand a fraction of what I was feeling.
The mate bond pulled me one way, soothing me, telling me my mate was the key to healing.
The crashing waves pulled me another way. Anger, shame, guilt, and resentment bouncing around inside of me, feeling like small blades piercing my insides.
Slowly, Alpha Killian removed his hand from my mouth, his dark eyes slowly returning to their normal silver. He looked at me cautiously, searching for any inkling that I would pick up where I left off.
“I need to be alone.” The words fell from my lips in a whisper. I needed to get away from him for the time being. I needed to sort through my memories, my emotions, everything that had been unleashed by myself. The mate bond would only confuse me, lull me into a false sense of safety and security.
“Claire…” Alpha Killian trailed off, but I wasn’t listening anymore.
I trudged over to the bed, throwing myself down carelessly as I curled into a ball. I shivered slightly, the cold waves washing over me. Each flashback, each buried emotion, chilled me to my core.
Mistaking my shivering for me being cold, I felt a soft blanket thrown over me. The citrus and sandalwood scent of Alpha Killian lingering on the blanket.
“Let me know if you need me.” Alpha Killian broke the silence, the soft click of the door shutting informed me that I was finally alone.
I could feel his reluctance to leave, feel his intense fear for me, his horror at the thought of my rejection.
The mate bond was strengthening. Before long, there would be no way to sever it. Not even with my d***h.
I listened to his footsteps fade as he walked down the hallway. I knew he wouldn’t stray far. He’d respect my wishes and keep his distance, but he’d stay close in case I needed him.
I stayed curled in my fetal position on the bed, the blanket doing nothing to stop the shivers that ran through my body.
Finally, trusting that I was alone, I let my anguish take over. Sobs racked my body and instead of fighting the cold waves that pulled me down, I simply stopped fighting.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. At one point I was sure I had heard a quiet knock on the door. The unappetizing smell of food wafted from under the door, reminding me that someone actually had been knocking.
As I let the waves rip me apart, shoving me into the dark water, only to throw me back out again, things slowly became much clearer.
The blame and resentment I once had for Alpha Killian diminished, and finally l realized whose fault it had actually been.
It was entirely my fault.
If I had just been smarter, paid more attention, last year would have never happened.
“Claire, I know what you’re thinking. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine. I wasn’t there for you when it counted. Blame me, send me away.” Sierra pleaded, but her sad voice didn’t reach me.
“It’s my fault.” My voice echoed around in my head.
Tormenting myself, flashes of what could have been ran through my head. Last year never happened, I stood happily by Alpha Killian’s side, a smile lighting up his face as he looked down at me as if l were the most important thing in his life.
Sharp stabbing pangs of saddness embedded themselves in my skin at what could have been. Instead I was left with this; reality.
I suppose this is what happens when you brush something like that off, locking it away and burying it down deep, only to meet your soulmate and realize he has the key and a shovel.
While rejecting Alpha Killian would most likely lead to a short life plagued with pain, followed by an equally painful d***h, there was another option.
I could simply remove myself from the equation; permanently, Alpha Killian had yet to mark me, and the mate bond wasn’t strong enough to cause his d***h following my own. If I did it soon enough, he could still live a full life. He could find someone new, and still raise an heir for his pack.
This thought was the first shred of comfort I had since the dam inside of me imploded.
Peeling myself up from the no longer comfy bed, I trudged into the bathroom like a zombie. I opened the medicine cabinet, and looked under the sink, searching mindlessly for anything that could help me. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for. Something metal and shiny caught my eye, and I knew I had found what I was looking for.
I picked up the pack of straight razor blades, the metal gleaming as though it were taunting me.
‘Aren’t you happy to see us?’ I could practically hear them snickering.
But I wasn’t happy. The cold waves didn’t feel so cold anymore since I succumbed to them. The water flooding my lunges didn’t hurt so bad since I had started to breath it in feverishly.
Gently, I picked up one of the blades from the pack, looking at my deathly reflection though it’s shiny surface.
My face looked raw and red, while my once crystal eyes looked almost white.
I turned the faucet to the bathtub on, wanting the water to wash away the blood that would flow from my body.
If I was in my right mind I would’ve thought of the people I’d be hurting with my d***h. But I wasn’t in my right mind. The only thing I could think of was ending the pain, the blame I placed on myself for being in that situation to begin with, and the relief I would feel when it was finally all over with.
I didn’t bother taking off my clothes, I hardly noticed them anyway.
I sank myself into the hot water, almost surprised at my complete inability to feel it’s temperature.
I looked down at the blade, my reflection looked emotionless, like I hadn’t just been sobbing into a blanket.
It glinted at me as if to say, ‘there’s no turning back now, Claire.’
I could swear it was Damien’s voice egging me on, telling me to finally end it all. In the back of my mind, I could hear Blake snickering, telling me it really was all my fault.
“Claire, stop this now!” Sierra begged, but she sounded so far away.
I pressed the blade on my arm vertically, shivering at how cold it felt, and looked away as I dragged it down my arm.
The coppery scent hit my nose, but the memories of the past had already surfaced.
Repeating the same thing on my other arm, I let out a relieved sigh. It may have sounded insane, but it felt like all of the turmoil and excruciating pain was flowing from my wrists, draining from my body along with my lifeblood.
I laid my head back, tiredness washing over me like a warm blanket. My heartbeat pounded in my ears so loud I could hardly hear the crash that came from just outside the bathroom.
“Claire!” A deep m*******s voice bellowed, “Why do I smell blood!”
My slowing heartbeat drowned it out.
Another crash sounded, this one much closer. I didn’t flinch as the small pieces of wood scattered in the tub and clung to my sopping wet clothes.
I let my eyes flutter, unsure what force inside of me was fighting the urge to sleep.
“Come on, just a few more minutes. Stay awake for a few more minutes.” A familiar frantic voice inside my head chanted.
“Killian she’s d***g.” A girls voice practically screamed. The voice sounded familiar, but instead of raking my brain for the face and name of the girl, I let my mind wander. I embraced the black spots that clouded my vision.
“No she’s not!” That same deep voice growled, sounding like an animal.
“She’s not going to make it to the hospital.” The feminine voice sobbed.
My mind was hazy as the urge to sleep overwhelmed me, but I swore I could make out three familiar figures that crowded the bathroom I was occupying.
“That’s it Claire. Stay awake. Focus on them. What are their names?” The feminine voice inside of my head urged, and I felt what tiny amount of strength that voice had flow into my body.
A sound must’ve escaped my lips, cause low caught the attention of one of the people in the bathroom with me. My hazy vision continued to focus and unfocus, giving me a slightly blurry picture of Alpha Killian. Off to the side was Kira and Travis.
My foggy mind wondered what they were all doing in here. Why were they all in the bathroom together?
“Claire? Claire? Baby, hold on. Stay awake.” Alpha Killian pleaded, his arms pulling me from the bathtub and setting me on the floor.
The sparks that had once been so strong, were now so weak. They felt like tiny little pinpricks, so insignificant.
“She’s not going to make it,” Alpha Killian’s voice was so low I could hardly hear it. “God d**n it!” He shouted animalisticly, and I could hear multiple somethings being smashed.
“Alpha…If you mark her, it could sustain her long enough to get her to the hospital.” Travis snapped, I could hear a warning growl rumble from Alpha Killian.
I could feel the pinpricks again as Alpha Killian lifted my torso. My head fell back, but he used his hand to support it.
“I’m not letting you d*e.” His voice was strong, certain. But his eyes were full of fear. I resisted the insane urge to laugh. First I made the big bad Blood Alpha bleed when I bit his arm, and now he was feeling fear for what would probably be the first and last time.
“D-Don’t” The word escaped my lips, my voice cracking and weak. If it wasn’t for their hearing, I doubt they would have even acknowledged my word.
“I have to, Claire.” Alpha Killian replied. I could feel his regret, his anguish. I could feel how angry he was at himself for leaving me alone. I could feel his apology for marking me against my will, but let could also feel his urgency at keeping me alive.
The numbness spread throughout my body, and I rushed to welcome it. Wanting to end it before Alpha Killian sealed my fate.
I didn’t feel the pain when his canines sank into the soft flesh of my neck.
My mother always spoke of the pain, but I couldn’t feel it.
I felt warmth. Warmth flooded throughout my freezing body, originating from the wound on my neck.
“W-Why” The word slipped through my lips as my eyes rolled in the back of my head and my entire world was engulfed in darkness.